Глава 8.
Chapter 8
From Sebastian: The Warblers are doing movie night in the senior commons on Saturday.
From Blaine: I remember those days. Whose turn is it to pick the movie?
From Sebastian: Jeff. Or maybe Nick. I don’t know, I just overheard them talking about it.
From Blaine: Either way, be prepared for lots of naked girls and explosions.
From Sebastian: What do I have to do to get you to do to stay Friday night and endure the movie with me on Saturday? We can sit on that overstuffed chair and I’ll give you a handjob under the blanket.
From Blaine: I guess I can stay over.
--
From Sebastian: If I ask you about coffee stains on my blazer, will you open up to me about your song selection for sectionals?
From Blaine: Not a chance, Sebastian.
From Sebastian: What if I ask nicely?
From Blaine: You won’t.
From Sebastian: No. I won’t.
From Sebastian: What if I promise to fuck you first? Then will you tell me?
From Blaine: You won’t know unless you try.
--
“How do you feel about French food?”
“Sebastian?”
“You looked at your phone before you answered, you know it’s me. So, French food?”
“Well, I’ve never had it before.”
“What lowlifes were you surrounding yourself with before you met me?”
“I—“
“There’s a new place in Columbus that my dad can’t stop talking about. He took whichever girl he’s dating this week out to eat there.”
“That’s go od?”
“We should go there sometime.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. Maybe next weekend?”
“Sure, yeah. Yeah, that’d be great.”
--
“Congratulations are in order.”
“They are?”
“To me. From you.”
“What am I congratulating you for, Sebastian?”
“Scoring the winning goal and sending the Dalton lacrosse team to the playoffs.”
“Really? Congratulations!”
“We play at home next Monday. If you wanted to come to the game.”
“And cheer you on?”
“Whatever, I don’t care. I just thought I’d let you know.”
“Can I make a sign for you and hold it up every time you score a goal?”
“I’m hanging up on you now.”
--
From Sebastian: Come help me pick out a camera next Wednesday?
From Blaine: Of course. : )
From Sebastian: I really hate that you use those.
From Blaine: It’s an adorable quirk and you love it.
From Sebastian: I really don’t.
From Blaine: : )
--
From Sebastian: My dad’s law office scored tickets to some Broadway show playing in Columbus in a few weeks. I tried pawning them off on the guys here but no one wants them. Do you want to go?
From Blaine: I know for a fact Trent would be interested.
From Sebastian: Whatever. Are you coming with me or not?
From Blaine: I’d love to.
--
“So tell me again which movie Jeff chose?” Blaine asks, his cellphone tucked in between his shoulder and his ear as he drives. It’s almost completely dark now, the sun setting earlier and earlier, and he flicks his headlights on, flooding the road with light.
“Do you think I was actually paying attention?” Sebastian asks, and Blaine can picture him as he says it: reclined back on his bed, arms tucked under his head, his long legs stretched out until his toes almost hang over the edge. Only a few more minutes and Blaine will be there to join him, curled up to his side or maybe pressed along his back.
Blaine laughs and switches the phone to his other ear. “I picked Casablanca three times in a row, until the council passed a rule on no black and white movies.”
Sebastian scoffs. “You disappoint me,” he starts, tsking Blaine’s movie choice. “Casablanca is completely overrated.”
“Excuse me?” Blaine says with mock offense. “That movie is a classic.” He hears background noise; clothes sliding against a scratchy comforter, the slam of a door shutting, shoes clicking on hardwood floors.
“And Humphrey Bogart, Blaine? Really? He’s not even remotely attractive. Give me Cary Grant any day,” Sebastian says and Blaine can hear his voice echoing off the walls of what must be an empty hallway.
“Are we really going to argue about Casablanca versus His Girl Friday?” Blaine asks as he turns into the Dalton campus. There are a few more cars here than there were last weekend, but the parking lot is still relatively deserted. “Because that’s not even a contest.”
He parks his car and reaches into the back seat for his overnight bag, no second guessing this time as he packed it at home. Sebastian wants him here, asked him to stay for the entire weekend. It makes Blaine feel light, giddy, happy in a way he can’t really describe. When he turns back around he sees Sebastian stretched out against the brick of the dorm building, his shoulders pressed back and his legs kicked out in front of him. He’s still wearing his Dalton uniform except for the tie and his smile is wide and real when he sees Blaine.
“They’re not even the same genre,” Sebastian says and Blaine is momentarily confused until he realizes that they’re still on the phone. He watches as Sebastian’s lips are just a split second off from the words he hears in his ear. “Are you going to stay in your car all night or what?”
He hangs up his phone quickly, shoving it into his pocket as he grabs his bag and opens his door. He tries to hold back, but he’s jogging before he even realizes it’s happening, crossing over to Sebastian as quickly as he can. Sebastian gives him a smirk and pushes off the wall, meeting Blaine and bumping their shoulders together. Blaine tightens his grip on his overnight bag.
“So should we continue on about how wrong you are?” Sebastian asks as they fall into step, Blaine having to walk just a bit quicker to keep up with Sebastian’s long legs.
Blaine just rolls his eyes and ignores Sebastian’s teasing, holding the door opening for them as they step inside. “Can we at least agree on Audrey Hepburn?” he asks as they walk over to the table for Blaine to sign in. It’s the same kid who signed him in last time, but this time he stays quiet, silently writing down Blaine’s information and ignoring Sebastian’s stare. He smiles as he hands Blaine back his license. Blaine mouths ‘thank you’ as he slides his ID back into his wallet.
“I prefer Katharine,” Sebastian replies and Blaine just huffs out a laugh.
“Now you’re just arguing for the sake of it,” Blaine says as they make their way down the hallways and to Sebastian’s dorm room.
“Maybe I just want to get you riled up,” Sebastian says as they walk, Blaine sticking close to his side, their fingers brushing together as their arms swing between them. Blaine can feel the words bubbling up in his throat, questions racing in the back of his head. He wants to tell Sebastian how he feels; how this is more than just sex, more than just a hook up, how he’s had feelings that he knows are real and true for weeks now, how he’s starting to suspect that Sebastian might too. He wants to hold Sebastian’s hand and tell him that it’s okay if he feels more for Blaine than he ever expected, that Blaine didn’t plan on this happening either, that they’ll figure this whole thing out together. Sebastian’s fingers start to curl around Blaine’s and he’s so, so sure.
“Blaine Anderson!” rings out down the empty hallway and Sebastian’s hand slowly falls away. Blaine almost reaches out for it, but Sebastian is tucking his hands into his pockets, nodding to the person coming up behind them.
“Nick!” Blaine says, his voice echoing off the walls, stretching out his arms as Nick moves closer.
“Sebastian didn’t mention you were going to be here tonight,” Nick says as he pulls back from the hug, his smile huge and wide and so genuine. Blaine’s heart tugs because he misses this, and it’s so much worse with Sebastian at his side. “Movie night is tomorrow,” Nick tells them, as if they weren’t aware.
“We know when it is,” Sebastian says, and Blaine notices how his eyes are drifting down the hall and focusing on the door to his room.
“So what are you doing here tonight?” Nick asks, continuing the conversation when it’s obvious to Blaine that Sebastian just wants it to be over.
“Well, we’re just—“ Blaine trails off, looking to Sebastian.
“We’re just hanging out, watching a quality movie tonight before we have to sit through whatever garbage you and Jeff picked for tomorrow,” Sebastian says as he starts to move away, tugging on the sleeve of Blaine’s coat.
“Wait,” Nick says, still oblivious to Sebastian’s attempt at leaving. “So are you two, like, together?” His eyes are big and hopeful and Blaine wants to pull him into another hug.
“We’ll see you tomorrow night,” Sebastian says, turning away completely and walking towards his room. Blaine tries to say goodbye to Nick, to form some sort of sentence about how it was good to see him or how he’s looking forward to the movie tomorrow night, but it won’t come. He tosses a quick wave over his shoulder and catches up to Sebastian quickly. He wants to ask him why he didn’t say no to Nick, why he didn’t immediately laugh at the suggestion that they were dating. Hopes swells in his chest and he promises himself he’ll bring it up to Sebastian this weekend; maybe when they’re curled together in Sebastian’s bed, hidden safe under the covers, Sebastian’s thumb running along the lines of Blaine’s hipbones and his guard let down.
“They fall all over you,” Sebastian says as he unlocks his door and lets both of them inside. “It’s disgusting. Nick looks at you like you just stepped out of Crawford Country Day.”
“Jealous?” Blaine asks. He’s joking, it’s clear in his tone and he says it with a smile, but Sebastian’s jaw sets in a hard line and he tugs at the zipper of Blaine’s jacket.
“Like I’d ever be jealous of Nick,” Sebastian says, pulling Blaine’s coat off his shoulders and tossing it onto his computer chair. His hands grab at Blaine’s hip possessively. “He thinks his uniform pants double as napkins and have you seen the posters in his room?”
“Mmm,” Blaine hums, neither agreeing or disagreeing, just a soft buzz as Sebastian leans forward and places soft, almost innocent kisses on Blaine’s neck. He reaches his arms around and runs his fingers up Sebastian’s back, the familiar feeling of his blazer rubbing against the pads of Blaine’s fingers.
“Come on,” Sebastian urges, pulling at Blaine’s hips while they stumble over to the bed. They take a moment to slip their shoes off and then Blaine is climbing across the mattress, knees and palms dragging along the covers, until he reaches the pillows and turns, falling onto his back. He lets his knees fall apart before Sebastian even has to ask, knows by now the way Sebastian likes to climb up his body and fit himself into the small V between Blaine’s legs.
They don’t even need to say anything as they move, knowing and anticipating what the other wants. Blaine’s hands grab at the lapels on Sebastian’s blazer, pulling him up closer as Sebastian’s fingers easily work the small buttons of Blaine’s cardigan open. They’re good at this now after so many times and Blaine wonders if Sebastian can see it, if he even notices how effortlessly they move together. But then Blaine doesn’t really have to wonder at all when Sebastian stops at the button in the middle of Blaine’s stomach, pausing to smile and drop a quick kiss to Blaine’s lips before pulling back and finishing. Blaine lets go of Sebastian’s blazer to rise up on his elbows, helping Sebastian pull his cardigan off his arms, his shirt underneath tugged up off his shoulders and over his head easily.
“Missed you,” Sebastian confesses against Blaine’s neck, fitting his nose into the slope of Blaine’s shoulder, dragging his lips over to the dip of Blaine’s throat. It’s slow, almost sweet, not rushed the way Sebastian usually is when they’re alone.
“I missed you, too,” Blaine says once he gets his mouth working again, Sebastian’s words stuck in his ears and maybe his heart.
Sebastian takes his time, kisses and nips and licks slowly down Blaine’s neck until he reaches his chest. They have all the time in the world right now, could stay just like this all through the night and until the sun comes up in the morning. They have nowhere else to be, no responsibilities to think about, locked away in Sebastian’s dorm room. It’s getting harder for Blaine to breathe, the pleasure a heavy weight over him and a dull ache in his lungs as Sebastian continues placing kisses all along Blaine’s chest. It’s sensual and intimate in a way Blaine’s not used to, not with Sebastian. Of course they’ve fucked, but the way Sebastian is treating him right now is different; like Blaine is important and he is so ready to tell Sebastian exactly how he feels. He’s ready to say it, fear and urgency mixing dangerously in his stomach. He opens his mouth, but stops when he hears murmured words as Sebastian kisses the skin that’s pulled tight over his ribs. He can’t make out most of it, the words getting lost over the curves and dips and his stomach, but then he hears it, soft and low but crystal clear to Blaine’s ears.
“I fucking love you.” It leaves Sebastian’s mouth quickly, his lips already forgetting the words as they brush against the bones of Blaine’s hips.
“What?” Blaine says, frantic and unstable, pushing up onto his elbows and his heart pounding so loudly in his ears. The words play on a loop, one right after another, repeating over and over as he stares down at Sebastian’s confused face. “What did you say?”
“I said, ‘I love fucking you’,” Sebastian clarifies, smirking as he moves lower and lower down Blaine’s stomach. “And if you’re done asking questions, I’d like to get on with it.” He’s smiling, so completely unaware of what he said, and he sinks his teeth into the soft skin right above the buckle on Blaine’s pants.
“No,” Blaine says, shaking his head wildly. “You didn’t say that. No.” He’s confused, feels as though his heart might beat out of his chest, but he’s absolutely sure he heard Sebastian right.
Sebastian stops, pulling back from Blaine’s stomach, and cocks an eyebrow. “Okay,” he says slowly, concern written on his face when he sees the way Blaine’s hands have started shaking. “What do you think I said? And why are you freaking out?”
He is freaking out. His breath is stuck in his lungs and his eyes sting and it feels like there’s something lodged in his throat. He lets out a breath and takes a deep one back in, tries to form the words but can’t quite seem to make his mouth move. Sebastian waits, staring up at him with expectant eyes. Blaine breathes again.
“You said,” he starts and then stops. He realizes this could ruin everything, could end what they have if he tells Sebastian the truth. But there’s hope swirling in his stomach, a dangerous amount, and he thinks of the way Sebastian looks at him lately; with fondness and care and maybe, just maybe, a little bit of love, too. He has to tell Sebastian, has to take the chance that Sebastian feels the same. “You said, ‘I fucking love you’.” The room is silent and Blaine swears he can hear Sebastian’s heartbeat. He closes his eyes and hopes, hopes so hard that Sebastian will tell him what he wants to hear. He knows Sebastian has feelings for him, no matter what the logical part of his brain keeps telling him.
Sebastian sighs and pulls back from Blaine’s stomach, scooting down the bed until they’re no longer touching at all and Blaine feels like he’s been covered in ice water. He wraps his arms around his middle while Sebastian fidgets at the foot of his bed.
“Blaine…” he starts and Blaine’s heart drops down into his stomach like a rock, and he knows. He knows the voice that Sebastian is using; the same voice his parents use when they’re disappointed in him. There’s no air left in the room and all he wants to do is leave before Sebastian can say any more, but his limbs feel like lead and he stays in place on the bed. “I didn’t mean it like that. I just mixed up my words,” Sebastian says, his eyes locked down and nowhere near Blaine. “It’s not a big deal. Let’s just forget it happened, okay?” Sebastian finally looks up and smirks and the quirk of his lips makes Blaine sick to his stomach. “Now, where were we?”
The headboard bumps into Blaine’s back before he’s even realizes that he’s moved, his head thumping against the hard plaster of the wall behind Sebastian’s bed. He shakes his head, trying to get his voice to work. “No,” he says finally, strangled around the lump in his throat. He swallows hard but the lump stays. “I have to go,” he says quickly, his hands shaking as he hastily tries to button up his sweater. He can’t seem to get his fingers to work and he blinks back tears. He won’t cry. He won’t.
“Come on, Blaine,” Sebastian tries again, urging him. “Just stay, alright? You don’t have to go.”
But he can’t stay. He needs to get this out, even if he knows nothing will come of it besides pain and heartache.
“I can’t—I can’t pretend anymore,” Blaine says softly, looking down to where his fingers are still fiddling with the buttons on his cardigan. He can’t look at Sebastian, can’t take the pity and disappointment that he’s sure is there. “I’ve had sex without feelings before, I’ve done it. And maybe that’s what this started out as, but it’s not anymore. Not for me.” He needs to get through this, to keep going before he convinces himself that this was all a horrible idea. “And if you don’t feel the same way.” Blaine pauses and takes three deep breaths, in and out, steadying himself for what he’s about to say. “If you don’t feel the same way, then I can’t do this anymore.”
The room is silent as Blaine finishes, but he still can’t bring himself to look up. He waits for Sebastian to say something —anything —but the only sounds are Blaine’s breathing and doors shutting somewhere off in the distance.
“I’m going to go,” Blaine says because he can’t stay, he can’t be here surrounded by silence when all he wants is just a few words. He turns to slide off the bed when Sebastian’s hand catches him by the ankle, stilling his movements.
“What do you want?” Sebastian asks and he’s not desperate, he never is, but he’s close.
“Honestly?” Blaine asks and finally looks up. Sebastian’s eyes are wide open, his smirk gone. “I want to be your boyfriend.” No more side-stepping or playing games, no more beating around the bush. Everything is out there now, so Blaine continues. “And I think you want that, too.”
The hand around Blaine’s ankle tightens, Sebastian’s fingers holding tightly onto the bone. “I don’t do boyfriends or monogamy, you know that,” he says. “Fuck, Blaine. I told you that right from the start.”
“Tell me you’ve slept with someone else since we got together,” Blaine challenges. “Tell me it hasn’t only been me.” He keeps his eyes locked with Sebastian, keeping strong on the outside but terrified of what Sebastian might say. He already feels like his heart is breaking apart bit by bit and he prepares himself for the truth that there have been other guys.
“That’s not the point,” Sebastian says quickly. “So what, I haven’t fucked anyone else in a few months. I’m still not—I can’t be—fuck. Everything was going so well, why’d you have to say anything?”
Blaine shrugs, defeated, knows Sebastian has made up his mind. “I can’t stop how I feel and I’m not going to lie about it anymore,” he says, his fingers finally working enough to slip the last few buttons through their holes. He tugs his ankle out of Sebastian’s grip and slides off the bed, his legs unsteady as he stands. “You have to understand that I didn’t think this would happen. I didn’t think I’d ever feel this way about someone again.” He scans the room, finding his overnight bag. He laughs, the sound hollow as it echoes in the empty room, remembering how excited he had been just a few short hours ago. He grips the handle tight and turns back to Sebastian, who hasn’t moved from his spot on the bed. “I didn’t mean for this to happen, but it did. And I can’t keep falling harder and harder while I’m still just a fuck buddy for you.”
Sebastian sighs loudly, running his hand through hair and gripping it at the end. Blaine’s spent enough time with him over the past few months to know he wants to say something; probably to curse at Blaine for messing up a good thing, to be annoyed that he’s going to have to go back to Scandals to find another guy to fuck. Blaine’s eyes burn and there’s a tightness in his lungs and he needs to get out of here, right now.
“Just—“ Blaine starts, his hand gripping the door handle and hearing it shake. “Don’t call me or text me. Please.” He doesn’t wait for Sebastian’s answer, opening the door before he can change his mind and fall back into bed. It would be so easy; to kiss Sebastian and just forget he ever said anything, to go back to the way things were. But he can’t, he knows he can’t, even if his entire body feels like it’s being pulled back to Sebastian’s dorm room as he drags his feet down the long hallways and back to his car.
He’s thankful that he doesn’t run into any Warblers, not wanting to deal with their questions or eagerness to fix whatever’s wrong with him. He moves as quickly as his body will carry him, careful not to break into a full out run and raise suspicion from any teachers that happen to still be around. He makes it back to his car completely by memory; taking corners without looking up, his hands scraping against the door as he pushes it open and making his way outside, his vision blurred with unshed tears. The cold air calms him down a bit, enough to take a few full breaths as he scans the parking lot for his car. His blinks, clearing his eyes and trying to concentrate, his mind a jumbled mess as he spots his car a few yards away and starts walking over. His keys tremble in his hands and it takes him three tries to unlock the door.
“Stupid,” he mumbles to himself, shaking his head as he starts his car and begins to drive. “I’m so stupid,” he repeats. He knew what he was getting into when he started sleeping with Sebastian, knew that all Sebastian wanted was sex and that he could never give him more. And that was fine at first, it was enough. Blaine didn’t want a boyfriend; someone who would ignore his calls, who would prioritize his job over their relationship. He didn’t want the effort when in the end, it might have been all be for nothing.
But Sebastian didn’t do any of those things—didn’t dump Blaine’s call to voicemail or ignore him for someone more important. It makes Blaine’s heart ache and his chest squeeze up tight, but he knows Sebastian would have been worth the effort.
He takes the long way home to try and clear his head. He thinks about glee club, about Cooper out in LA, what his mom made for dinner last night and when he last took his car for an oil change. He keeps his mind off of Sebastian; doesn’t think about his wide smile or his pleased smirk, the way his blazer sits on his shoulders, how his face lit up each time he spotted Blaine across the bar at Scandals, his warm hands and his cold toes, each easy compliment that he never hesitated to hand out. He misses Sebastian already and he feels the tears welling up again, sitting on the rims of his eyes but not spilling over. He needs to focus on driving, on getting home safely, not on the part of his heart that he just left in a dorm room at Dalton.
It’s late by the time he pulls into his driveway, all of the lights off and the house dark. He takes an unsteady breath in and gets out of the car, knowing he has to be quiet so he doesn’t wake his parents. His overnight bag mocks him from the passenger seat and he grabs it before slamming his car door shut.
He sneaks inside, not wanting to deal with the questions his parents will inevitably have. He wants to forget that this night ever happened, wipe it from his memory completely, but he knows it’s useless. His fingers already itch to text Sebastian, to talk until Sebastian invites him back to Dalton. He doesn’t, though. He can’t see Sebastian when he made it so perfectly clear that he doesn’t feel the same, that he doesn’t want Blaine for anything more than sex. Blaine has been hurt too much, too frequently, and he doesn’t want to deal with it anymore.
The lights are off in his room and he leaves them that way, dropping his bag to the floor and stumbling over to his bed. He presses himself into the mattress, burying his face in his pillows and finally allowing himself to cry. He cries until his pillow is damp and he can’t catch his breath, and then he starts to yell, the pillow muffling his exhausted voice. He shouts out all the horrible things he’s feeling, until his voice is hoarse and his throat hurts and he can’t hear the sound in his ears anymore.