Глава 9.

Chapter 9
Monday morning is so much harder than Blaine ever imagined it could be. Saturday and Sunday were manageable. He’d convinced his parents he was sick all weekend, staying curled up in bed while his phone lay silent by his side. He slept mostly, playing up the stomach bug he pretended to catch and tried to forget about the way Sebastian had looked at him right before he closed the door. He left his overnight bag in the same spot on the floor, letting his clothes gather wrinkles as they sat in the corner of his room. He went into the bag just once to get his hair gel before school, kicking the lump of clothes when he noticed that he still had Sebastian’s sweatpants tucked into the bottom of the bag.
--
Sam notices that something is wrong as soon as he meets Blaine by his locker. His hand is on Blaine’s shoulder immediately and he’s got a helpful look on his face, his eyes wide and earnest when he senses Blaine’s distress.
“What’s wrong?” he asks as Blaine digs through his locker for his chemistry book. He can’t tell Sam the truth and that makes him feel even worse. “And don’t say nothing,” he says before Blaine can deny it. “I can tell by your sad eyebrows and tense shoulders.” Sam smiles hopefully and Blaine can’t help but give a sad smile back.
“I can’t really talk about it,” Blaine says, closing his locker door shut and turning to look at Sam. “I know you want to help me out and I appreciate it, but,” he sighs, leaning back against his locker, his head thumping against the metal. “Can we just not?”
“I’m not letting you off that easy,” Sam says. He gets a stern look on his face, the same one Blaine recognizes from when he tells his younger siblings it’s bed time. “We’re talking and then we’ll hug it out, like bros.”
Sam is eager to help and Blaine wants to tell him everything. He wants to open up and explain why he’s been so inexplicably happy for the past two months, why he hasn’t mentioned Kurt or New York, why his wardrobe has been almost painfully bright and cheerful, why he’s started volunteering for solos in glee again. But none of his friends will understand why he was seeing Sebastian, why being with him made Blaine so happy. They only see the shield Sebastian puts up as a disguise, a defense and a barrier so people can’t get in. They haven’t taken the time to work through that, to crack open Sebastian’s hard exterior and see what he’s really like. It makes a sudden weight appear on Blaine’s chest, heavy and persistent, thinking back to being curled up in Sebastian’s bed before everything came to a crashing stop. He doesn’t want to go through it again, to relive the heartache from Friday night while he explains to Sam what happened.
“We will talk about it, I promise,” Blaine insists and maybe they will, someday. “But for right now, can you just take my mind off of it? Please?”
Sam eyes Blaine carefully, like he’s not sure what the right move is. Finally he rolls his eyes and sighs. “Fine,” he says, perking up. “Hey, do you want to hear about the club I’ve been thinking about starting? I’ll even let you be president!”
--
The Secret Society of Superheroes Club is a decent distraction. Most of the kids from glee join and a few other students that Blaine doesn’t really recognize. It’s okay though, because there are a lot of great costumes and Sam and Artie toss superhero jokes back and forth that make Blaine laugh until his sides hurt. It’s just what he needs; hanging out with his friends to forget about the tight, empty feeling that won’t leave his stomach, to ignore how Sebastian had listened to his request and not tried to contact him. He knows it’s for the best, that he needs to start forgetting about the freckles that dot the bottom of Sebastian’s stomach, the way his eyebrows draw together when Blaine’s fingers dig into his sides, his laugh and his sure hands and every other small, inconsequential part of Sebastian that made Blaine think that the idea of falling in love again was possible.
They’re in a middle of a discussion of their super powers, Blaine’s phone face down on the table and silent, when there’s a commotion by the door of the classroom. Blaine hears something about the nationals trophy being stolen and he’s up with the rest of the group, running down the hallway, his Nightbird cape floating behind him. It’s a silly distraction but it’s just what he needs and he doesn’t think about Sebastian at all when he rounds the corner into the choir room.
Until he sees the opening seconds of the video, the red and navy blue so obvious to him, even with a distorted face and voice. He doesn’t need to know who’s speaking to know that it’s a Warbler, the striped tie and emblem are the first things his eyes are drawn to. He can tell immediately that it’s not Sebastian; the face is too square and the hair isn’t quite high enough. He doesn’t know if it makes him feel better or worse knowing that Sebastian isn’t the one behind the video.
The video cuts to black and everyone starts shouting, talking over each other as they try to come up with a plan to get the trophy back. Blaine stays quiet and listens as their voices get louder, their ideas getting more and more outrageous, until he cuts Brittany off in the middle of her sentence.
“I’ll do it,” he says loudly, almost shouting in order to be heard. They quiet down and look over at Blaine, some of the newer kids looking at him with shock. He wants to apologize for yelling, but he knows it’s the only way to get through with this group. “I’ll go,” he says again, quieter this time. “I know the school, I know most of the guys in the Warblers. It makes the most sense to see if I can talk to them.” He tries to say it with confidence, but he’s dying on the inside, nervous about the certainty of running into Sebastian if he goes to Dalton to get the trophy back.
“I’m coming with you,” Sam says, stepping though the small group until he’s standing by Blaine. “You don’t have to go by yourself.” He holds his hand up for a high-five and Blaine wants to pull him into a hug.
“I think it’s better if I go alone,” Blaine says. “I think they’ll be more likely to talk if it’s just one of us.” What he doesn’t say is the real reason he can’t have Sam come; he has no idea how he’s going to act once he sees Sebastian again. He feels on edge at his own school, tiptoeing a fine line between okay and barely hanging on. It’s going to be even worse when he gets to Dalton, all the memories that will come back the moment he steps inside, and he can’t have Sam there and have to explain to him what’s going on.
“No way, dude,” Sam says, crossing his arms over his chest and shaking his head. “You’re not talking me out of it.”
“I’ll tell you what,” Blaine starts, trying to think quickly. He knows Sam just wants to help, to make sure that Blaine is okay and that he doesn’t want Blaine dealing with this alone. “I’ll go on the first trip alone and lull them into a false sense of security. We’ll go back later in the week and take the trophy back. We’ll even dress up in our superhero costumes.” He gives Sam his most sincere smile. “What do you say?”
Sam eyes his warily, as if he doesn’t completely trust what Blaine is saying. He finally shrugs a shoulder before agreeing. “I guess that could work,” he says, and then adds seriously. “And dude. They’re not costumes. Show a little respect.”
--
Blaine puts it off for three days. He blames it on building up his courage, but he knows the real reason he hasn’t driven out to Westerville is because he’s not ready to see Sebastian again so soon. Sam asks him about it on Wednesday, if he’s gone and how it went and when they’re going back, and Blaine knows he can’t wait any longer.
He takes as long as he can by his locker at the end of the school day, chatting with Tina until she says goodbye with a kiss to his cheek. He takes the long way out to his car; slow steps down the science wing and out through the courtyard, up the stairs and to the parking lot. The school is almost empty by the time he crosses the asphalt, most of the students over at the fields for football practice or on a bus home. There are hardly any cars left and Blaine feels a small amount of panic start to rise up his throat as he unlocks his door.
He drives on autopilot. He tries to keep Sebastian off his mind, to think about what he’s going to say to whomever the head Warbler is now, and how he’s going to get the trophy back. (Sebastian said his name was Hunter, didn’t he? Blaine remembers dancing at Scandals, Sebastian pressed hot and tight against his body, his lips moving against Blaine’s ear as he told him about a new Warbler named Hunter.) His palms slip against the steering wheel as he makes a turn, damp from nerves as he drives closer and closer to the school.
Maybe Sebastian went home for the night. Maybe he went to the movies or to the mall or to the Lima Bean, to anywhere that’s not Dalton. It hasn’t even been a week since Blaine last saw him and it feels like too much too soon. He can still see the apologetic look that was on Sebastian’s face every time he closes his eyes, still hears the words ringing in his ears. It hurts to think about, but he needs to remember it, to remind himself what Sebastian had said in his dorm room. He needs to hold on to it, to use it to stay strong because he’s not sure how else he’s going to say no when he sees Sebastian again.
It takes Blaine twelve minutes to leave his car once he pulls into the parking lot at Dalton. He knows because he watches the minutes tick by on his cellphone, his feet bouncing and his fingers tapping against the steering wheel. He contemplates calling Sam and asking him to come out, to confront the Warblers that took the trophy while Blaine stays in the car as the lookout. He has Sam’s number up, his thumbs tracing the screen, when he sighs deeply and tosses his phone onto the passenger seat. He knows he needs to do this alone, but the longer he waits in his car, the harder it gets.
It’s a text from Sam that finally gets Blaine moving.
From Sam: hows it going???
Blaine considers not answering or maybe lying, telling Sam that the Warblers wouldn’t give him any information on where the trophy was. Instead he decides to be truthful, as much as he can be. Got stuck in some pretty heavy traffic, but I’m here now and about to head inside.
From Sam: good luck dude! Text me when youre done!
He’s put it off long enough. Blaine gets out of his car slowly, smoothing down the front of his sweater vest as he stands up straight. He doesn’t want to rush inside but it’s quickly getting uncomfortably chilly out and he’d forgotten his jacket back at school. He takes the long way though, bypassing the large front entrance in favor of the smaller door in the back of the building. It’s a short walk to the library once he’s inside. He’s sure the Warblers aren’t there and he needs to compose himself before he goes and talks to them about getting the trophy back, before he sees Sebastian again.
As soon as he steps into the library, he realizes it’s useless. There are memories everywhere in the building reminding him of Sebastian, of the two of them together. He walks through the rows of books and to the back wall and sees that the two arm chairs are still positioned in the same spot, tucked together and facing the large window. He needs to get out of here as soon as possible, away from Dalton and the reminders of Sebastian that are everywhere. He hurries out of the library, getting scolded as he lets the door slam behind him. He turns the corner, the bottom of his shoes skidding against the shining marble, ready to run down the stairs and back out to his car, when he stops a few steps down.
Sebastian is standing at the bottom of the stairs, hands in his pockets, unmoving as students bustle around him. He looks up and finds Blaine, catching his eye and giving him a small smile.
Blaine’s heart starts to speed up, thumping loudly in his chest, the sound ringing in his ears as he tries to blink away the blurriness that has started at the corner of his eyes. There’s a familiar swoop in the pit of his stomach, one that he’s had before when standing on this staircase. It’s altogether different this time though, accompanied with a difficulty to breathe and shaking hands. Blaine doesn’t know how long he stands there, just staring down at Sebastian, but soon he hears a polite, “excuse me,” from a student trying to make his way around, and Blaine’s feet start to move. He only has a few seconds to get his brain working, to think of something—anything—to say to Sebastian. His mind is still blank as he climbs downs the final few stairs, his heart pounding with each step he takes closer to Sebastian.
It turns out that his dry throat and locked jaw don’t matter because it’s Sebastian that speaks first.
“Blaine,” he says, drawing out the vowels in his name. “If you’re trying to spy on us, your sweater vest and short jeans are a dead giveaway.” He tries to smirk but Blaine can tell the difference, watching closely as Sebastian spreads his shoulders in an obvious attempt at casualness, hands still deep in his pockets. The way he’s standing so carefree, with no hint of hurt or regret or even an ounce of sadness, makes Blaine tighten his fists and set his jaw. He feels foolish for thinking Sebastian would show any remorse or try to apologize. He’s looking at Blaine as if nothing has happened between them, raising a cocky eyebrow at Blaine’s silence.
“You know why I’m here,” Blaine says, keeping his voice even as he walks down the last step. “Just bring me to wherever it is you’re keeping the trophy.” He doesn’t stop himself from sighing, frustrated with Sebastian but even angrier with himself for the way his heart still speeds up when he looks Sebastian in the eye.
“What? You don’t want to make a quick stop off at my room?” Sebastian suggests and Blaine feels like he’s going to throw up. He knows the closest bathroom is on the other side of the building, so he swallows down the bubble in his throat.
“Stop,” he says, voice strangled. He hears himself speak and it’s as if he’s choking on the words. It hurts to hear Sebastian invite him back to his dorm room, a cold reminder that all Sebastian wanted from Blaine was sex. He walks past Sebastian quickly, their fingers almost brushing together. There are only a few spots in Dalton that can fit all of the Warblers, and Blaine walks down the familiar hall towards the senior commons.
Sebastian catches up quickly, trying to knock their shoulders together, but Blaine dodges him. “Hey, I was just kidding around,” Sebastian says. “Don’t tell me you lost your sense of humor in the past few days.”
“It’s not funny,” Blaine insists, keeping his eyes straight ahead and away from Sebastian’s face. He’s determined to not let Sebastian know how much this is affecting him, how close he is from turning around and running back to his car. If he hadn’t promised Sam he would find the trophy, Blaine knows he would be on his way back to Lima right now.
They stop in front of two large wooden doors that are closed, but Blaine knows what’s on the other side and can hear people talking. He takes a deep breath and turns to Sebastian. “Please leave,” he says, keeping his voice low and even. “Please. You’ve made it perfectly clear that you don’t care about me and I know you wouldn’t waste your time with something as stupid as stealing our nationals trophy, so please. Just leave so I can do this and get out of here.” He’s pleading by the end of it, begging Sebastian to turn around and go, to stay away until Blaine is finished and can drive back to McKinley.
What he doesn’t expect is for Sebastian to reach out for him, grabbing Blaine by the elbow before he can turn the knob on the door. “Look, I’m sorry,” Sebastian says, his teeth clenched tightly together as he speaks. “I don’t know how to act around you now. You asked me not to call you, so I didn’t. But Blaine,” he stops and Blaine swears he can feel Sebastian’s hands shaking. “But Blaine, I wanted to. Every day.”
“I don’t believe you,” Blaine says, and he doesn’t. He can’t. He can’t let himself believe that Sebastian has been dying to talk to him, has been forcing himself to not pick up the phone and call. He knows how Sebastian’s feels, has his harsh words etched into his memory, so he tugs his arms away and swings open the doors.
He walks down the familiar stairs, Sebastian right behind him. Blaine ignores him, walking down into the middle of the room, eyes moving as he tries to see which of the Warbles he recognizes. There are a few—Nick, Jeff, Trent—but most of the blazers in the room belong to people he’s never seen before. He remembers when these people were his best friends and now he doesn’t know who half of them are. He tries not to think about it, his mind occupied with watching the way Sebastian crosses the room, his shoulders beginning to sag as he stops next to a Warbler sitting in a large arm chair, and points at Blaine. Sebastian whispers something and the other boy nods and Blaine laughs humorlessly when he notices the white cat perched on his lap.
“So you’re the famous Blaine Anderson,” he says as he stands up from his chair and Blaine realizes that this must be Hunter. He almost says it too, almost blurts out the things Sebastian told him when they were together at Scandals; when they were talking about school and friends and music and not fucking, when they were on their way to friendship and maybe something more. Blaine needs to take a deep breath before he can say anything.
“And you are?” Blaine asks and his voice barely wavers. He counts that as a win.
“Hunter Clarington. I just transferred to Dalton this year from my military school in Colorado Springs, where I led my choir to a regionals championship. I’m honestly surprised you’ve never heard of me.” He walks slowly across the room until he’s only a few feet from Blaine, and looks him right in the eye. “Oh, and I’m the new captain of The Warblers.”
“That’s all well and good,” Blaine says, trying to pretend as if none of this matters, but he can’t help but glance over Hunter’s shoulder and notice the way Sebastian is looking at him. “But what does this have to do with you taking our trophy?”
“It’s simple, really,” Hunter says, his teeth large and white as he smiles. “I won’t settle for anything less than the best for the Warblers. And from the way these guys talk about you,” he motions to the Warblers that are sitting on the surrounding couches, signaling out Sebastian last. “You’re the best.”
“I’m sorry,” Blaine says, jerking his eyes away from Sebastian and back to Hunter. “But I don’t understand what this has to do with you stealing the trophy.”
Hunter throws his head back in a laugh. “Because I get what I want. And what I want is you back on the Warblers.” Hunter laughs louder at the shocked look on Blaine’s face. “Don’t be so surprised. I’ll do anything to win. So, McKinley gets their trophy and we get Blaine Warbler back.” He walks closer, until they’re just inches apart. “You miss it here, I saw it the second you walked in. Don’t try and deny it, you want to be back at Dalton. So you see, everyone wins.”
Blaine wants to tell Hunter how wrong he is, how much he loves McKinley and how he doesn’t miss the high ceilings and dark wood of Dalton. His voice is stuck, lodged like a ball in his throat, making it difficult for him to swallow, let alone speak. It’s quiet for a moment as Blaine tries to pull himself together, to stop seriously thinking about Hunter’s offer. It’s Sebastian that speaks up, coming to stand beside Hunter.
“You belong here, Blaine,” he says, the desperation from earlier gone from his voice completely. He looks over at Hunter and they share a smile.
“We decided to get you a little present to help sway your decision,” Hunter says, motioning Jeff over. Blaine recognizes the blue and red immediately in Jeff’s hands and his heart starts to beat faster. Jeff holds up the blazer, ready to open it for Blaine to slide his arms in, when Sebastian tugs it away. Jeff’s eyebrows draw together but no one says anything.
“Once a Warbler,” Sebastian says. The second half of his sentence goes unsaid as he holds the blazer out and Blaine hesitates. He can’t see Sebastian standing behind him, but he can feel when Sebastian’s breath just barely brushes against the back of his neck. He tries to stop the memories from coming back; of the two of them pressed into Sebastian’s small bed, just a left and two rights down the hallway from where they are right now, Sebastian’s arms around Blaine’s middle and his chin hooked over Blaine’s shoulder. If Blaine took two steps back —just two small steps —it wouldn’t be the same, but it would be close enough.
He sticks his arms back and Sebastian slides the blazer up and onto Blaine’s shoulders. The intimacy of it hits Blaine right in the chest and his breath catches; Sebastian dressing him, putting clothes on him, instead of taking them off like he’d done so many times before. It’s new and Blaine can’t tamper down the fleeting feeling of happiness before he remembers that it means absolutely nothing to Sebastian. Instead, he focuses on how good it feels to put on the Dalton uniform again, the way it sits on the curve of his shoulder and the feeling of the sleeves brushing against the bones of his wrist. It’s familiar, a comfort that Blaine’s been looking for since his heart was broken the first time.
“I’d say this calls for a celebration,” Hunter says, clapping Blaine on the shoulder. “What would you say to an impromptu performance, Blaine Warbler?”
Blaine shakes his head immediately, knowing he’s not in the right state of mind to be singing and that he probably shouldn’t be performing with the group of people that stole his team’s nationals trophy. But he hears the whistles and the oh’s and he can’t stop himself from humming along. He recognizes the song, knows the lyrics and the message, and he wonders if Sebastian was the one to pick it out.
It’s easy to fall into step with the Warblers. He remembers their basic moves, the way they move their hands and the steps for their feet. He buttons the blazer up and it all comes back as if he never left. He tries to remember all of the past performing he’s done in this room instead of the way Sebastian keeps looking down whenever their eyes happen to catch.
He dances easily around the room, sharing smiles and handshakes with his old friends. He’s starting to feel good, to forget about the constant ache in his chest, when he looks up at the Warblers lining up across the room, Sebastian right in the middle. He knows he should turn around and walk back to the Warblers sitting on the couch, but his body pulls him forward, as if there’s an invisible string bringing the two of the together. Sebastian steps forward as Blaine does the same, their arms coming out to their sides. Blaine aches to pull Sebastian in for a hug, to tuck his face in the crook of his neck and breathe deeply and just forget about everything that happened. But their eyes meet and he can’t forget the way he felt in Sebastian’s room, can’t forget crying into his pillow with Sebastian’s words on a loop in his head. So instead he looks Sebastian in the eye for a final time and sings, “please remind me who I really am,” before turning around and not looking back.
The rest of the performance is a blur. Blaine makes a point to keep his eyes wherever Sebastian isn’t, spinning in circles and sidestepping to avoid seeing him. It hurts, of course it does, but it’s nothing compared to the pain he feels when Sebastian smiles at him or reaches a hand out that Blaine knows isn’t part of the choreography.
He leaves as soon as the song is done, slipping off the blazer and dropping into Hunter’s lap. It’s too much and he feels like Sebastian is everywhere, surrounding him, and Blaine struggles to breathe as he leaves the common room and hurries out to his car. He feels claustrophobic and it takes a more than a few deep breaths of fresh air before Blaine is settled down enough to find his car and drive home.
He calls Sam on the way back and tells him bits and pieces of what happened.
“Dude, you’re not leaving us for them, are you?” Sam says, his calm voice suddenly panicked.
“No, no way, of course not,” Blaine reassures him. He doesn’t tell him the real reason; that he could hardly stand to be in the same room as Sebastian for one song, that he could never be in the same school as him. “But I think it’s better if you go back without me.”
“What do you mean? You’re Nightbird!”
Blaine knows he can’t go back, even if it means not getting the trophy. He can’t see Sebastian again, can’t go through the pain of seeing him pretend like nothing is wrong and like nothing is bothering him. It hurts too much and Blaine needs to start getting over him, to not be constantly reminded with each trip out to Dalton. He sighs heavily. “I know, but they’re expecting me. If you and Joe go and steal it back, they’ll never know what hit them.” His voice sounds fake even to his own ears.
“Oh yeah, good point!” Sam says excitedly. “You’re sure, though? You’re not going to feel left out?”
Blaine thinks about how he can tell the difference between Sebastian’s smirk and when he’s genuinely smiling. He thinks about the way Sebastian’s voice sounds when his mouth is pressed to Blaine’s ear, how he can feel the vibration against his skin. He remembers how the skin on Sebastian’s neck tastes different from the skin covering his hips. He knows how many freckles are on the left side of Sebastian’s ribcage and how they curl onto Sebastian’s back. He thinks of the sounds Sebastian can’t hold back when Blaine skims his teeth along the inside of his thigh, the way their knees fit together when they’re curled on Sebastian’s bed, how Sebastian had talked to Blaine about college and his future when no one else had cared.
“Yeah Sam,” Blaine says. “I’m sure.”

Chapter 9
Monday morning is so much harder than Blaine ever imagined it could be. Saturday and Sunday were manageable. He’d convinced his parents he was sick all weekend, staying curled up in bed while his phone lay silent by his side. He slept mostly, playing up the stomach bug he pretended to catch and tried to forget about the way Sebastian had looked at him right before he closed the door. He left his overnight bag in the same spot on the floor, letting his clothes gather wrinkles as they sat in the corner of his room. He went into the bag just once to get his hair gel before school, kicking the lump of clothes when he noticed that he still had Sebastian’s sweatpants tucked into the bottom of the bag.
--
Sam notices that something is wrong as soon as he meets Blaine by his locker. His hand is on Blaine’s shoulder immediately and he’s got a helpful look on his face, his eyes wide and earnest when he senses Blaine’s distress.
“What’s wrong?” he asks as Blaine digs through his locker for his chemistry book. He can’t tell Sam the truth and that makes him feel even worse. “And don’t say nothing,” he says before Blaine can deny it. “I can tell by your sad eyebrows and tense shoulders.” Sam smiles hopefully and Blaine can’t help but give a sad smile back.
“I can’t really talk about it,” Blaine says, closing his locker door shut and turning to look at Sam. “I know you want to help me out and I appreciate it, but,” he sighs, leaning back against his locker, his head thumping against the metal. “Can we just not?”
“I’m not letting you off that easy,” Sam says. He gets a stern look on his face, the same one Blaine recognizes from when he tells his younger siblings it’s bed time. “We’re talking and then we’ll hug it out, like bros.”
Sam is eager to help and Blaine wants to tell him everything. He wants to open up and explain why he’s been so inexplicably happy for the past two months, why he hasn’t mentioned Kurt or New York, why his wardrobe has been almost painfully bright and cheerful, why he’s started volunteering for solos in glee again. But none of his friends will understand why he was seeing Sebastian, why being with him made Blaine so happy. They only see the shield Sebastian puts up as a disguise, a defense and a barrier so people can’t get in. They haven’t taken the time to work through that, to crack open Sebastian’s hard exterior and see what he’s really like. It makes a sudden weight appear on Blaine’s chest, heavy and persistent, thinking back to being curled up in Sebastian’s bed before everything came to a crashing stop. He doesn’t want to go through it again, to relive the heartache from Friday night while he explains to Sam what happened.
“We will talk about it, I promise,” Blaine insists and maybe they will, someday. “But for right now, can you just take my mind off of it? Please?”
Sam eyes Blaine carefully, like he’s not sure what the right move is. Finally he rolls his eyes and sighs. “Fine,” he says, perking up. “Hey, do you want to hear about the club I’ve been thinking about starting? I’ll even let you be president!”
--
The Secret Society of Superheroes Club is a decent distraction. Most of the kids from glee join and a few other students that Blaine doesn’t really recognize. It’s okay though, because there are a lot of great costumes and Sam and Artie toss superhero jokes back and forth that make Blaine laugh until his sides hurt. It’s just what he needs; hanging out with his friends to forget about the tight, empty feeling that won’t leave his stomach, to ignore how Sebastian had listened to his request and not tried to contact him. He knows it’s for the best, that he needs to start forgetting about the freckles that dot the bottom of Sebastian’s stomach, the way his eyebrows draw together when Blaine’s fingers dig into his sides, his laugh and his sure hands and every other small, inconsequential part of Sebastian that made Blaine think that the idea of falling in love again was possible.
They’re in a middle of a discussion of their super powers, Blaine’s phone face down on the table and silent, when there’s a commotion by the door of the classroom. Blaine hears something about the nationals trophy being stolen and he’s up with the rest of the group, running down the hallway, his Nightbird cape floating behind him. It’s a silly distraction but it’s just what he needs and he doesn’t think about Sebastian at all when he rounds the corner into the choir room.
Until he sees the opening seconds of the video, the red and navy blue so obvious to him, even with a distorted face and voice. He doesn’t need to know who’s speaking to know that it’s a Warbler, the striped tie and emblem are the first things his eyes are drawn to. He can tell immediately that it’s not Sebastian; the face is too square and the hair isn’t quite high enough. He doesn’t know if it makes him feel better or worse knowing that Sebastian isn’t the one behind the video.
The video cuts to black and everyone starts shouting, talking over each other as they try to come up with a plan to get the trophy back. Blaine stays quiet and listens as their voices get louder, their ideas getting more and more outrageous, until he cuts Brittany off in the middle of her sentence.
“I’ll do it,” he says loudly, almost shouting in order to be heard. They quiet down and look over at Blaine, some of the newer kids looking at him with shock. He wants to apologize for yelling, but he knows it’s the only way to get through with this group. “I’ll go,” he says again, quieter this time. “I know the school, I know most of the guys in the Warblers. It makes the most sense to see if I can talk to them.” He tries to say it with confidence, but he’s dying on the inside, nervous about the certainty of running into Sebastian if he goes to Dalton to get the trophy back.
“I’m coming with you,” Sam says, stepping though the small group until he’s standing by Blaine. “You don’t have to go by yourself.” He holds his hand up for a high-five and Blaine wants to pull him into a hug.
“I think it’s better if I go alone,” Blaine says. “I think they’ll be more likely to talk if it’s just one of us.” What he doesn’t say is the real reason he can’t have Sam come; he has no idea how he’s going to act once he sees Sebastian again. He feels on edge at his own school, tiptoeing a fine line between okay and barely hanging on. It’s going to be even worse when he gets to Dalton, all the memories that will come back the moment he steps inside, and he can’t have Sam there and have to explain to him what’s going on.
“No way, dude,” Sam says, crossing his arms over his chest and shaking his head. “You’re not talking me out of it.”
“I’ll tell you what,” Blaine starts, trying to think quickly. He knows Sam just wants to help, to make sure that Blaine is okay and that he doesn’t want Blaine dealing with this alone. “I’ll go on the first trip alone and lull them into a false sense of security. We’ll go back later in the week and take the trophy back. We’ll even dress up in our superhero costumes.” He gives Sam his most sincere smile. “What do you say?”
Sam eyes his warily, as if he doesn’t completely trust what Blaine is saying. He finally shrugs a shoulder before agreeing. “I guess that could work,” he says, and then adds seriously. “And dude. They’re not costumes. Show a little respect.”
--
Blaine puts it off for three days. He blames it on building up his courage, but he knows the real reason he hasn’t driven out to Westerville is because he’s not ready to see Sebastian again so soon. Sam asks him about it on Wednesday, if he’s gone and how it went and when they’re going back, and Blaine knows he can’t wait any longer.
He takes as long as he can by his locker at the end of the school day, chatting with Tina until she says goodbye with a kiss to his cheek. He takes the long way out to his car; slow steps down the science wing and out through the courtyard, up the stairs and to the parking lot. The school is almost empty by the time he crosses the asphalt, most of the students over at the fields for football practice or on a bus home. There are hardly any cars left and Blaine feels a small amount of panic start to rise up his throat as he unlocks his door.
He drives on autopilot. He tries to keep Sebastian off his mind, to think about what he’s going to say to whomever the head Warbler is now, and how he’s going to get the trophy back. (Sebastian said his name was Hunter, didn’t he? Blaine remembers dancing at Scandals, Sebastian pressed hot and tight against his body, his lips moving against Blaine’s ear as he told him about a new Warbler named Hunter.) His palms slip against the steering wheel as he makes a turn, damp from nerves as he drives closer and closer to the school.
Maybe Sebastian went home for the night. Maybe he went to the movies or to the mall or to the Lima Bean, to anywhere that’s not Dalton. It hasn’t even been a week since Blaine last saw him and it feels like too much too soon. He can still see the apologetic look that was on Sebastian’s face every time he closes his eyes, still hears the words ringing in his ears. It hurts to think about, but he needs to remember it, to remind himself what Sebastian had said in his dorm room. He needs to hold on to it, to use it to stay strong because he’s not sure how else he’s going to say no when he sees Sebastian again.
It takes Blaine twelve minutes to leave his car once he pulls into the parking lot at Dalton. He knows because he watches the minutes tick by on his cellphone, his feet bouncing and his fingers tapping against the steering wheel. He contemplates calling Sam and asking him to come out, to confront the Warblers that took the trophy while Blaine stays in the car as the lookout. He has Sam’s number up, his thumbs tracing the screen, when he sighs deeply and tosses his phone onto the passenger seat. He knows he needs to do this alone, but the longer he waits in his car, the harder it gets.
It’s a text from Sam that finally gets Blaine moving.
From Sam: hows it going???
Blaine considers not answering or maybe lying, telling Sam that the Warblers wouldn’t give him any information on where the trophy was. Instead he decides to be truthful, as much as he can be. Got stuck in some pretty heavy traffic, but I’m here now and about to head inside.
From Sam: good luck dude! Text me when youre done!
He’s put it off long enough. Blaine gets out of his car slowly, smoothing down the front of his sweater vest as he stands up straight. He doesn’t want to rush inside but it’s quickly getting uncomfortably chilly out and he’d forgotten his jacket back at school. He takes the long way though, bypassing the large front entrance in favor of the smaller door in the back of the building. It’s a short walk to the library once he’s inside. He’s sure the Warblers aren’t there and he needs to compose himself before he goes and talks to them about getting the trophy back, before he sees Sebastian again.
As soon as he steps into the library, he realizes it’s useless. There are memories everywhere in the building reminding him of Sebastian, of the two of them together. He walks through the rows of books and to the back wall and sees that the two arm chairs are still positioned in the same spot, tucked together and facing the large window. He needs to get out of here as soon as possible, away from Dalton and the reminders of Sebastian that are everywhere. He hurries out of the library, getting scolded as he lets the door slam behind him. He turns the corner, the bottom of his shoes skidding against the shining marble, ready to run down the stairs and back out to his car, when he stops a few steps down.
Sebastian is standing at the bottom of the stairs, hands in his pockets, unmoving as students bustle around him. He looks up and finds Blaine, catching his eye and giving him a small smile.
Blaine’s heart starts to speed up, thumping loudly in his chest, the sound ringing in his ears as he tries to blink away the blurriness that has started at the corner of his eyes. There’s a familiar swoop in the pit of his stomach, one that he’s had before when standing on this staircase. It’s altogether different this time though, accompanied with a difficulty to breathe and shaking hands. Blaine doesn’t know how long he stands there, just staring down at Sebastian, but soon he hears a polite, “excuse me,” from a student trying to make his way around, and Blaine’s feet start to move. He only has a few seconds to get his brain working, to think of something—anything—to say to Sebastian. His mind is still blank as he climbs downs the final few stairs, his heart pounding with each step he takes closer to Sebastian.
It turns out that his dry throat and locked jaw don’t matter because it’s Sebastian that speaks first.
“Blaine,” he says, drawing out the vowels in his name. “If you’re trying to spy on us, your sweater vest and short jeans are a dead giveaway.” He tries to smirk but Blaine can tell the difference, watching closely as Sebastian spreads his shoulders in an obvious attempt at casualness, hands still deep in his pockets. The way he’s standing so carefree, with no hint of hurt or regret or even an ounce of sadness, makes Blaine tighten his fists and set his jaw. He feels foolish for thinking Sebastian would show any remorse or try to apologize. He’s looking at Blaine as if nothing has happened between them, raising a cocky eyebrow at Blaine’s silence.
“You know why I’m here,” Blaine says, keeping his voice even as he walks down the last step. “Just bring me to wherever it is you’re keeping the trophy.” He doesn’t stop himself from sighing, frustrated with Sebastian but even angrier with himself for the way his heart still speeds up when he looks Sebastian in the eye.
“What? You don’t want to make a quick stop off at my room?” Sebastian suggests and Blaine feels like he’s going to throw up. He knows the closest bathroom is on the other side of the building, so he swallows down the bubble in his throat.
“Stop,” he says, voice strangled. He hears himself speak and it’s as if he’s choking on the words. It hurts to hear Sebastian invite him back to his dorm room, a cold reminder that all Sebastian wanted from Blaine was sex. He walks past Sebastian quickly, their fingers almost brushing together. There are only a few spots in Dalton that can fit all of the Warblers, and Blaine walks down the familiar hall towards the senior commons.
Sebastian catches up quickly, trying to knock their shoulders together, but Blaine dodges him. “Hey, I was just kidding around,” Sebastian says. “Don’t tell me you lost your sense of humor in the past few days.”
“It’s not funny,” Blaine insists, keeping his eyes straight ahead and away from Sebastian’s face. He’s determined to not let Sebastian know how much this is affecting him, how close he is from turning around and running back to his car. If he hadn’t promised Sam he would find the trophy, Blaine knows he would be on his way back to Lima right now.
They stop in front of two large wooden doors that are closed, but Blaine knows what’s on the other side and can hear people talking. He takes a deep breath and turns to Sebastian. “Please leave,” he says, keeping his voice low and even. “Please. You’ve made it perfectly clear that you don’t care about me and I know you wouldn’t waste your time with something as stupid as stealing our nationals trophy, so please. Just leave so I can do this and get out of here.” He’s pleading by the end of it, begging Sebastian to turn around and go, to stay away until Blaine is finished and can drive back to McKinley.
What he doesn’t expect is for Sebastian to reach out for him, grabbing Blaine by the elbow before he can turn the knob on the door. “Look, I’m sorry,” Sebastian says, his teeth clenched tightly together as he speaks. “I don’t know how to act around you now. You asked me not to call you, so I didn’t. But Blaine,” he stops and Blaine swears he can feel Sebastian’s hands shaking. “But Blaine, I wanted to. Every day.”
“I don’t believe you,” Blaine says, and he doesn’t. He can’t. He can’t let himself believe that Sebastian has been dying to talk to him, has been forcing himself to not pick up the phone and call. He knows how Sebastian’s feels, has his harsh words etched into his memory, so he tugs his arms away and swings open the doors.
He walks down the familiar stairs, Sebastian right behind him. Blaine ignores him, walking down into the middle of the room, eyes moving as he tries to see which of the Warbles he recognizes. There are a few—Nick, Jeff, Trent—but most of the blazers in the room belong to people he’s never seen before. He remembers when these people were his best friends and now he doesn’t know who half of them are. He tries not to think about it, his mind occupied with watching the way Sebastian crosses the room, his shoulders beginning to sag as he stops next to a Warbler sitting in a large arm chair, and points at Blaine. Sebastian whispers something and the other boy nods and Blaine laughs humorlessly when he notices the white cat perched on his lap.
“So you’re the famous Blaine Anderson,” he says as he stands up from his chair and Blaine realizes that this must be Hunter. He almost says it too, almost blurts out the things Sebastian told him when they were together at Scandals; when they were talking about school and friends and music and not fucking, when they were on their way to friendship and maybe something more. Blaine needs to take a deep breath before he can say anything.
“And you are?” Blaine asks and his voice barely wavers. He counts that as a win.
“Hunter Clarington. I just transferred to Dalton this year from my military school in Colorado Springs, where I led my choir to a regionals championship. I’m honestly surprised you’ve never heard of me.” He walks slowly across the room until he’s only a few feet from Blaine, and looks him right in the eye. “Oh, and I’m the new captain of The Warblers.”
“That’s all well and good,” Blaine says, trying to pretend as if none of this matters, but he can’t help but glance over Hunter’s shoulder and notice the way Sebastian is looking at him. “But what does this have to do with you taking our trophy?”
“It’s simple, really,” Hunter says, his teeth large and white as he smiles. “I won’t settle for anything less than the best for the Warblers. And from the way these guys talk about you,” he motions to the Warblers that are sitting on the surrounding couches, signaling out Sebastian last. “You’re the best.”
“I’m sorry,” Blaine says, jerking his eyes away from Sebastian and back to Hunter. “But I don’t understand what this has to do with you stealing the trophy.”
Hunter throws his head back in a laugh. “Because I get what I want. And what I want is you back on the Warblers.” Hunter laughs louder at the shocked look on Blaine’s face. “Don’t be so surprised. I’ll do anything to win. So, McKinley gets their trophy and we get Blaine Warbler back.” He walks closer, until they’re just inches apart. “You miss it here, I saw it the second you walked in. Don’t try and deny it, you want to be back at Dalton. So you see, everyone wins.”
Blaine wants to tell Hunter how wrong he is, how much he loves McKinley and how he doesn’t miss the high ceilings and dark wood of Dalton. His voice is stuck, lodged like a ball in his throat, making it difficult for him to swallow, let alone speak. It’s quiet for a moment as Blaine tries to pull himself together, to stop seriously thinking about Hunter’s offer. It’s Sebastian that speaks up, coming to stand beside Hunter.
“You belong here, Blaine,” he says, the desperation from earlier gone from his voice completely. He looks over at Hunter and they share a smile.
“We decided to get you a little present to help sway your decision,” Hunter says, motioning Jeff over. Blaine recognizes the blue and red immediately in Jeff’s hands and his heart starts to beat faster. Jeff holds up the blazer, ready to open it for Blaine to slide his arms in, when Sebastian tugs it away. Jeff’s eyebrows draw together but no one says anything.
“Once a Warbler,” Sebastian says. The second half of his sentence goes unsaid as he holds the blazer out and Blaine hesitates. He can’t see Sebastian standing behind him, but he can feel when Sebastian’s breath just barely brushes against the back of his neck. He tries to stop the memories from coming back; of the two of them pressed into Sebastian’s small bed, just a left and two rights down the hallway from where they are right now, Sebastian’s arms around Blaine’s middle and his chin hooked over Blaine’s shoulder. If Blaine took two steps back —just two small steps —it wouldn’t be the same, but it would be close enough.
He sticks his arms back and Sebastian slides the blazer up and onto Blaine’s shoulders. The intimacy of it hits Blaine right in the chest and his breath catches; Sebastian dressing him, putting clothes on him, instead of taking them off like he’d done so many times before. It’s new and Blaine can’t tamper down the fleeting feeling of happiness before he remembers that it means absolutely nothing to Sebastian. Instead, he focuses on how good it feels to put on the Dalton uniform again, the way it sits on the curve of his shoulder and the feeling of the sleeves brushing against the bones of his wrist. It’s familiar, a comfort that Blaine’s been looking for since his heart was broken the first time.
“I’d say this calls for a celebration,” Hunter says, clapping Blaine on the shoulder. “What would you say to an impromptu performance, Blaine Warbler?”
Blaine shakes his head immediately, knowing he’s not in the right state of mind to be singing and that he probably shouldn’t be performing with the group of people that stole his team’s nationals trophy. But he hears the whistles and the oh’s and he can’t stop himself from humming along. He recognizes the song, knows the lyrics and the message, and he wonders if Sebastian was the one to pick it out.
It’s easy to fall into step with the Warblers. He remembers their basic moves, the way they move their hands and the steps for their feet. He buttons the blazer up and it all comes back as if he never left. He tries to remember all of the past performing he’s done in this room instead of the way Sebastian keeps looking down whenever their eyes happen to catch.
He dances easily around the room, sharing smiles and handshakes with his old friends. He’s starting to feel good, to forget about the constant ache in his chest, when he looks up at the Warblers lining up across the room, Sebastian right in the middle. He knows he should turn around and walk back to the Warblers sitting on the couch, but his body pulls him forward, as if there’s an invisible string bringing the two of the together. Sebastian steps forward as Blaine does the same, their arms coming out to their sides. Blaine aches to pull Sebastian in for a hug, to tuck his face in the crook of his neck and breathe deeply and just forget about everything that happened. But their eyes meet and he can’t forget the way he felt in Sebastian’s room, can’t forget crying into his pillow with Sebastian’s words on a loop in his head. So instead he looks Sebastian in the eye for a final time and sings, “please remind me who I really am,” before turning around and not looking back.
The rest of the performance is a blur. Blaine makes a point to keep his eyes wherever Sebastian isn’t, spinning in circles and sidestepping to avoid seeing him. It hurts, of course it does, but it’s nothing compared to the pain he feels when Sebastian smiles at him or reaches a hand out that Blaine knows isn’t part of the choreography.
He leaves as soon as the song is done, slipping off the blazer and dropping into Hunter’s lap. It’s too much and he feels like Sebastian is everywhere, surrounding him, and Blaine struggles to breathe as he leaves the common room and hurries out to his car. He feels claustrophobic and it takes a more than a few deep breaths of fresh air before Blaine is settled down enough to find his car and drive home.
He calls Sam on the way back and tells him bits and pieces of what happened.
“Dude, you’re not leaving us for them, are you?” Sam says, his calm voice suddenly panicked.
“No, no way, of course not,” Blaine reassures him. He doesn’t tell him the real reason; that he could hardly stand to be in the same room as Sebastian for one song, that he could never be in the same school as him. “But I think it’s better if you go back without me.”
“What do you mean? You’re Nightbird!”
Blaine knows he can’t go back, even if it means not getting the trophy. He can’t see Sebastian again, can’t go through the pain of seeing him pretend like nothing is wrong and like nothing is bothering him. It hurts too much and Blaine needs to start getting over him, to not be constantly reminded with each trip out to Dalton. He sighs heavily. “I know, but they’re expecting me. If you and Joe go and steal it back, they’ll never know what hit them.” His voice sounds fake even to his own ears.
“Oh yeah, good point!” Sam says excitedly. “You’re sure, though? You’re not going to feel left out?”
Blaine thinks about how he can tell the difference between Sebastian’s smirk and when he’s genuinely smiling. He thinks about the way Sebastian’s voice sounds when his mouth is pressed to Blaine’s ear, how he can feel the vibration against his skin. He remembers how the skin on Sebastian’s neck tastes different from the skin covering his hips. He knows how many freckles are on the left side of Sebastian’s ribcage and how they curl onto Sebastian’s back. He thinks of the sounds Sebastian can’t hold back when Blaine skims his teeth along the inside of his thigh, the way their knees fit together when they’re curled on Sebastian’s bed, how Sebastian had talked to Blaine about college and his future when no one else had cared.
“Yeah Sam,” Blaine says. “I’m sure.”
@темы: Fanfiction